Am I who I want to be? No not at all, not even close. I am about as far from being who'd I like to be as I possibly can. I'll tell you what I see myself as now. I am a reckless, apathetic, lazy, young lady afraid of reality, the truth. I hide everything. I make everything okay, all the time. I brush things off, I brush everything off and make problems disappear. In my mind, I am a magician. Truth is they don't go anywhere at all. They just get stashed in the back of my mind until they creep up on me and explode into a eruption of intense emotion. This is how I have dealt with things as long as I can remember. I have always prided myself as being a genuine person, truth is I don't think I am genuine at all. The more I look inside, the less I like I what I see. I don't know how to be to honest with myself, my emotions, and obviously other people. I am terrified of failure; and disappointing others which leads me to avoiding confronting people with my feeling, which leads to failure. How ironic, or not at all I suppose. I know people underestimate me, only because I give them reason too. I have amazing potential, and there are glimpses. I portray myself at this stable, honest, genuine, happy person, the person I would like to be. Not the person I am. People buy into it though and eat it up like candy. Too bad, the candy looks sweet but tastes sour.
In the end all I can do is my best. My best to be a better person, who makes better changes, and better choices. Baby steps. One step at a time I will change into the person people see me as. How ironic is that? I want to be what most people see. Practice makes perfect and I know just the right exercise.
So cheers to a night of experiencing the most overwhelming emotion I have felt in a long time. And cheers to a swift kick in my ass to open my eyes. Man oh man, mom I sure do wish you were here. You would have kicked my ass a loooooooooong time ago. Oh well Jill is learning.
Friday, March 12, 2010
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