Flipped Upside Down, Turned Inside Out

"That would never happen to me", is a thought that I believe crosses people's minds on a daily basis. When something traumatic or "unimaginable" happens to people you read about in the news, you just think "damn that sucks", or "this world is a shitty place". You never actually think that something horrific, like a horrific car accident or unexpected death could happen to you. And then it does. Your world gets flip upside and inside out, and everything you knew to be true no longer is.

Well I have had my share of these flipped upside down, turned inside out experiences. But nothing, nothing like this. My boyfriend and had been to his holiday work party that evening. Being an ugly sweater party I found the ugliest sweater that I could find and doted it like I was the sexiest, most jolly gal around. Taking shot ski's and busting out my best "Total Eclipse of Heart" at karaoke. We were having a ball. Until he said something that set my drunken self up for emotional wreckage.

He said something along the lines, "I love you but I don't see this working long term." And I lost my shit. I am not normally like this but the tequila and long work day made for a overwhelmingly emotional Megan. Woops. So we decided to leave. We walked back to my car arguing, while I was throwing an adult size hissy fit. And I said "There's no way I can drive." "I'm fine to drive he says, and grabs my keys and were off.

But not for long. About a block later we're still in an emotional discussion, when what appears before but a group of people. People. People, standing in front of the car. Then, shocked fearful faces and a loud noise. After that, we pull over, the windshield is smashed and front end dented. It wasn't until then I realized we had hit those people. "Holy fucking shit," I gasp and he gets out, tells me "You stay by the car I am going to get help."

I exit the car shaking, hyperventilating and completely freaking out. I can barely speak and am not fully aware of all the sirens, yellow caution tape, police, reporters, bodies, and crowds of people everywhere.It's a scene from a movie, not my life.

Shell shocked I am just standing and shaking. Some drunks try to console me and hug me but I refuse and just shake my head no. A police officer approaches me and tries to calm me down and he keep me in my place. All the while Cary is dealing with and officer at the other end of the street getting arrested.

Eventually, I calm down and am able to call some friends of mine. Amber, Kerry, and Cary's best friend Win rush over. They are with me until we are the last people on the scene. I am called in to the police car to recall what I saw happen.

Then let me go home. I go home. Cary goes to jail. And those people standing in front of my car, go to the hospital.

And here I am two days later shocked and hoping, waiting, and wishing for the best case scenario. But there's a lot going on in my head right now and I don't know what will happen. I have a lot of support and wanna give Cary all the support I can.

Sometimes, things in life happen that make you think that making poor decisions like "driving drunk" are simply not worth it. And that everyone can be affected, for the rest of their lives.

Digging myself out...

My feet are beginning to settle in this mud and if I don't dig myself out real soon, I just might get myself stuck. And believe me, that's the last thing I want to do. That's how I feel about some aspects of life right now. Particularly with work.

I have worked at REI for just over a year now. And don't get me wrong there are a ton of great perks to the job. However, I feel like it could be a black hole. The people are great, the benefits are great; but I don't feel passionate about my work and have no desire to progress in the retail world. It's so easy to stay I am discovering when things are "mediocre" and relatively easy.

I don't want to live a mediocre life, and find myself getting pulled deeper into the mud. Eventually, I'll be living under a rock. Rather, I want to stand upon a rock with the expansive world lying before me.

I need to live more productively and more proactively. I know in the past lists have helped me organize and follow through with my goals. So here is my new list to fufill my path of self progression.
1. Discover my passion. Live it.
2. Volunteer.
3. Actively seek new opportunities.
4. Be on the computer less.
5. Get rid of my clutter.
6. Yoga with intention.
7. Read and write more.
8. More improv.
9. Balance work and play.
10. Go AND GET IT.

plague.

This is the black plague. It will destroy me. Luckily for me it does mean an eminent death it just means a set back and some serious self degradation. Every now and again I feel plagued with severe insecurity. It seems to appear from the mist, daunting me, hiding in the fog until the monster storms out and attacks.

Here it is again damn it. I would like to just completely LOVE myself. I don't know if I ever have. I have always been my own worst critic. I judge myself harshly against my actions, as well as other people. I've just come to realize this, but it is time to LOVE ME.

I have been thinking about this all week after I saw my friend Emily. She compliments me often, and I know I don't take these compliments to heart. Though, the compliments said are frequent and from various paople. I try to disregard them and wonder why some would think that about me. What a terrible, dreadful thing to think of oneself.

I have my faults, as anyone does. But I also have aplenty wonderful things to share. New goal: LOVE ME. Fall in love with myself.

Here is a list of things I have to offer: I have the ability to learn from pain and find reason to smile even in the most trying times.

I am a jack of trades and am knowledgeable at many things.

I am not afraid of change.

I take care of my body.

I forgive.

I laugh without holding back.

I am genuine.

I have a tremendous amount of COURAGE.

I am LOVED.

I LOVE with everything I have.

I am cute.

I make people smile.

My awkwardness is endearing.

I am all round a beautiful, funny, intelligent, and AWESOME lady.

And I mustn't forget that, because everyone should love themselves. First.

LOVE,

Me

se la vie..

You locked me in with those Siberian blue eyes the first day I laid eyes upon you, 3 and 1/2 years ago. You are my best friend, whom I love more than just about anyone. I don't know if you'll ever know, because I don't know if you deserve too. Or perhaps I am just too coward. Either way, it doesn't matter, I am always going to love you. And that's a fact. Completely unconditionally and even when I am dating other guys. You'll always be in the back of my mind. Like a favorite old book forgotten about and stashed away. But always pulled out and dusted off when down or lonely, as a simple reminder of just good it is. I like to pretend these feelings aren't real. But if they weren't real, then they would go away. However, they don't. They are here to stay. I feel lighter on my feet with you. I laugh like a child with you. We are there for each other no matter what. I know I can always count on you, to be at my side. To support when I am feeling crippled. You're my left foot and I believe I am yours.

Remember Michael Gavillot. I wrote this in my journal 3 years ago in New Zealand. Luckily, you'll always be some part of my life, so I don't just have to remember. Rather, I can build memories with you instead.

some things i've learned...

I don't know if I believe things happen for a reason but I do believe that things happen, and a reason/lesson can be found. Experiences shape our the past, present, and future selves. From every painful experience is a rewarding and empowering lesson or memory. Every positive experience gives us an ability to know how good life can truly be. I have decided to make a list of lessons I have learned. With no explanation, for that would take a book. But just some things I have learned. And I will add to this list each time I learn something valuable from life.

1) Do something for just yourself everyday
2) Enjoy what you have and never forget how lucky you are
3) Fall in lust
4) Fall in love
5) If you heart breaks, pick yourself back up, and grow from it
6) It wasn't a mistake if it once put a smile upon your face
7) Don't waste your time in a broken relationship or friendship, it's no use, MOVE ON
8) Learn how to be alone
9) Push your comfort zone
10) Let yourself be vulnerable
11) Try harder
12) Take naps
13) RELAX
14) Breath
15) Never forget who loves you, and that you are infact loved
16) Cry. Get mad. Laugh. Scream. Sing, don't be afraid of letting your emotion out.

Take what others give you........

Our time has come for us to part
but you'll always remain in my heart
we fell in love, we fell out
what we had was special without doubt
you made me melt
and you made me scream
most of all you made me love


Tyler Cleaver has been the most significant part of my life in the past year. We fell in love and fell out, then did it all over again. Though, I have cried and screamed, I also loved with everything I had. From my very core. We weren't meant to be in the end. But I know we'll have a bond, at least as friends for a very long time to come. I took something you gave me, something I have never had before. That is the ability to speak my mind, be honest, communicate clearly, and to express my emotions. To wear my heart on my sleeve. Before you, everything emotion that was painful I immediately placed in a bottle until that bottle popped. Not with you, and not anymore. Whether or not you'll ever know you gave me something concrete, something that I hope I can use forever. Though, it pains that we're a part I know it's for the best. I will always love you a friend. And I am pretty you'll always love me as friend.
Thank you.

Who Do I Want to Be?

Am I who I want to be? No not at all, not even close. I am about as far from being who'd I like to be as I possibly can. I'll tell you what I see myself as now. I am a reckless, apathetic, lazy, young lady afraid of reality, the truth. I hide everything. I make everything okay, all the time. I brush things off, I brush everything off and make problems disappear. In my mind, I am a magician. Truth is they don't go anywhere at all. They just get stashed in the back of my mind until they creep up on me and explode into a eruption of intense emotion. This is how I have dealt with things as long as I can remember. I have always prided myself as being a genuine person, truth is I don't think I am genuine at all. The more I look inside, the less I like I what I see. I don't know how to be to honest with myself, my emotions, and obviously other people. I am terrified of failure; and disappointing others which leads me to avoiding confronting people with my feeling, which leads to failure. How ironic, or not at all I suppose. I know people underestimate me, only because I give them reason too. I have amazing potential, and there are glimpses. I portray myself at this stable, honest, genuine, happy person, the person I would like to be. Not the person I am. People buy into it though and eat it up like candy. Too bad, the candy looks sweet but tastes sour.

In the end all I can do is my best. My best to be a better person, who makes better changes, and better choices. Baby steps. One step at a time I will change into the person people see me as. How ironic is that? I want to be what most people see. Practice makes perfect and I know just the right exercise.

So cheers to a night of experiencing the most overwhelming emotion I have felt in a long time. And cheers to a swift kick in my ass to open my eyes. Man oh man, mom I sure do wish you were here. You would have kicked my ass a loooooooooong time ago. Oh well Jill is learning.