Be okay..

I am a little a lost. The fog is dense and I cannot see clearly in front of me. And it's scary. In this dense, thick, and dark fog I find myself alone. Every once in a while as I am wondering aimlessly through, I find a hand to hold. But I cannot hold this hand forever, sometimes I have to let go. When I let go I feel this overwhelming sense of darkness and loneliness overcome me. However, I know the fog will lift and when it does the sun will shine upon me and once again it will kiss me. Whew, what a metaphor. But it's true.

I find myself in this town where I know only a few people, and am unemployed without a lot to do. During the day I try to fill my time, but days will pass when I have little to no social interaction. I am lucky for Tyler, but he is so busy I cannot rely on him all the time. It's hard, really hard. But it's also okay, something I am learning a lot from. Since I spend so much of my time alone I think a lot. I realize, I crave social interaction with people. I am used to close and many friendships. For the first time in my life, I am not busy, and without close friends. And it sucks. Period. It sucks. At least I realize this. And I know better than anyone that I hold the key to my own happiness, now all I need to do is something about it.

cheers.

Crossroads..

Here I find myself at the crossroad of anxious and fleeting. Not the best road to find myself at. I feel more anxious and the urge flee more so than usual. I am having a trying time attempting to figure out what it is exactly that I want. And to be honest, I have no idea. For the first time in my life I am terrified of the unknown. Never have I been this so afraid of the darkness before. But I find myself questioning just about everything one could question. I question love, life, sexuality, friendships, purpose, religion, and how exactly I fit into the grand scheme of things. As you can tell, it's too much for one to contemplate and overwhelming. I guess the real crossroad I face isn't the one of anxious and fleeting but rather the one of fleeting or staying. This in turn enhances my gad (generalized anxiety disorder).

Somedays are wonderful, I am in love, I know exactly what I want and how I fit. While other days I am anxious, annoyed, frustrated, and confused. My emotion seem to be very extreme lately and I cannot seem to find a medium, a sense of relaxation. I am not unhappy by any means, in fact I would say I am doing quite well, minus some anxiety issues. They just never seem to disappear. If it's not one thing it's another. Here a list of what has caused me great anxiety in the past: my sexuality, bee stings, fear of dying, and now my significant other. Like I said, there's no real pattern and I can never seem to have a simple state of mind. A mind of simply being with the moment. On occasion when I do have those days, oh it's soo wonderful.

Wow, that was quite a tangent of thoughts. But I needed to sort them out and haven't done so in too long. So here are my goals for self-improvement, success, and happiness in life. I am hoping if I achieve these goals, I can rid myself of anxiety.
1. Be impeccable with my words. Choose them wisely, with complete honesty, and intent.
2. Breathe. Everyday at least 5 times. Quiet my mind. Be with my breath.
3. Attend Yoga 2 to 3 times a week. No exceptions.
4. Clean my house and rid of my clutter.
5. Find a part-time job and send applications for seasonal work.
6. Schedule doctors appointments.
7. Make time for friends and Tyler. Too find a balance for both.
8. Wake up everyday before 9 with an agenda to follow.
9. Be true to thine self. Follow my heart, do what I WANT.
10. Travel this year, but not until I am completely ready emotionally and mentally.
11. Not necessarily to figure what I want forever, just to have a better idea.
12. To be healthy and take care of myself.
13. To allow myself to be happy.

Whew...thar she blow. So I have a lot of things to do this year to keep me busy. Now all I have to do, is to do it.