Flipped Upside Down, Turned Inside Out

"That would never happen to me", is a thought that I believe crosses people's minds on a daily basis. When something traumatic or "unimaginable" happens to people you read about in the news, you just think "damn that sucks", or "this world is a shitty place". You never actually think that something horrific, like a horrific car accident or unexpected death could happen to you. And then it does. Your world gets flip upside and inside out, and everything you knew to be true no longer is.

Well I have had my share of these flipped upside down, turned inside out experiences. But nothing, nothing like this. My boyfriend and had been to his holiday work party that evening. Being an ugly sweater party I found the ugliest sweater that I could find and doted it like I was the sexiest, most jolly gal around. Taking shot ski's and busting out my best "Total Eclipse of Heart" at karaoke. We were having a ball. Until he said something that set my drunken self up for emotional wreckage.

He said something along the lines, "I love you but I don't see this working long term." And I lost my shit. I am not normally like this but the tequila and long work day made for a overwhelmingly emotional Megan. Woops. So we decided to leave. We walked back to my car arguing, while I was throwing an adult size hissy fit. And I said "There's no way I can drive." "I'm fine to drive he says, and grabs my keys and were off.

But not for long. About a block later we're still in an emotional discussion, when what appears before but a group of people. People. People, standing in front of the car. Then, shocked fearful faces and a loud noise. After that, we pull over, the windshield is smashed and front end dented. It wasn't until then I realized we had hit those people. "Holy fucking shit," I gasp and he gets out, tells me "You stay by the car I am going to get help."

I exit the car shaking, hyperventilating and completely freaking out. I can barely speak and am not fully aware of all the sirens, yellow caution tape, police, reporters, bodies, and crowds of people everywhere.It's a scene from a movie, not my life.

Shell shocked I am just standing and shaking. Some drunks try to console me and hug me but I refuse and just shake my head no. A police officer approaches me and tries to calm me down and he keep me in my place. All the while Cary is dealing with and officer at the other end of the street getting arrested.

Eventually, I calm down and am able to call some friends of mine. Amber, Kerry, and Cary's best friend Win rush over. They are with me until we are the last people on the scene. I am called in to the police car to recall what I saw happen.

Then let me go home. I go home. Cary goes to jail. And those people standing in front of my car, go to the hospital.

And here I am two days later shocked and hoping, waiting, and wishing for the best case scenario. But there's a lot going on in my head right now and I don't know what will happen. I have a lot of support and wanna give Cary all the support I can.

Sometimes, things in life happen that make you think that making poor decisions like "driving drunk" are simply not worth it. And that everyone can be affected, for the rest of their lives.

Digging myself out...

My feet are beginning to settle in this mud and if I don't dig myself out real soon, I just might get myself stuck. And believe me, that's the last thing I want to do. That's how I feel about some aspects of life right now. Particularly with work.

I have worked at REI for just over a year now. And don't get me wrong there are a ton of great perks to the job. However, I feel like it could be a black hole. The people are great, the benefits are great; but I don't feel passionate about my work and have no desire to progress in the retail world. It's so easy to stay I am discovering when things are "mediocre" and relatively easy.

I don't want to live a mediocre life, and find myself getting pulled deeper into the mud. Eventually, I'll be living under a rock. Rather, I want to stand upon a rock with the expansive world lying before me.

I need to live more productively and more proactively. I know in the past lists have helped me organize and follow through with my goals. So here is my new list to fufill my path of self progression.
1. Discover my passion. Live it.
2. Volunteer.
3. Actively seek new opportunities.
4. Be on the computer less.
5. Get rid of my clutter.
6. Yoga with intention.
7. Read and write more.
8. More improv.
9. Balance work and play.
10. Go AND GET IT.

plague.

This is the black plague. It will destroy me. Luckily for me it does mean an eminent death it just means a set back and some serious self degradation. Every now and again I feel plagued with severe insecurity. It seems to appear from the mist, daunting me, hiding in the fog until the monster storms out and attacks.

Here it is again damn it. I would like to just completely LOVE myself. I don't know if I ever have. I have always been my own worst critic. I judge myself harshly against my actions, as well as other people. I've just come to realize this, but it is time to LOVE ME.

I have been thinking about this all week after I saw my friend Emily. She compliments me often, and I know I don't take these compliments to heart. Though, the compliments said are frequent and from various paople. I try to disregard them and wonder why some would think that about me. What a terrible, dreadful thing to think of oneself.

I have my faults, as anyone does. But I also have aplenty wonderful things to share. New goal: LOVE ME. Fall in love with myself.

Here is a list of things I have to offer: I have the ability to learn from pain and find reason to smile even in the most trying times.

I am a jack of trades and am knowledgeable at many things.

I am not afraid of change.

I take care of my body.

I forgive.

I laugh without holding back.

I am genuine.

I have a tremendous amount of COURAGE.

I am LOVED.

I LOVE with everything I have.

I am cute.

I make people smile.

My awkwardness is endearing.

I am all round a beautiful, funny, intelligent, and AWESOME lady.

And I mustn't forget that, because everyone should love themselves. First.

LOVE,

Me