se la vie..

You locked me in with those Siberian blue eyes the first day I laid eyes upon you, 3 and 1/2 years ago. You are my best friend, whom I love more than just about anyone. I don't know if you'll ever know, because I don't know if you deserve too. Or perhaps I am just too coward. Either way, it doesn't matter, I am always going to love you. And that's a fact. Completely unconditionally and even when I am dating other guys. You'll always be in the back of my mind. Like a favorite old book forgotten about and stashed away. But always pulled out and dusted off when down or lonely, as a simple reminder of just good it is. I like to pretend these feelings aren't real. But if they weren't real, then they would go away. However, they don't. They are here to stay. I feel lighter on my feet with you. I laugh like a child with you. We are there for each other no matter what. I know I can always count on you, to be at my side. To support when I am feeling crippled. You're my left foot and I believe I am yours.

Remember Michael Gavillot. I wrote this in my journal 3 years ago in New Zealand. Luckily, you'll always be some part of my life, so I don't just have to remember. Rather, I can build memories with you instead.

some things i've learned...

I don't know if I believe things happen for a reason but I do believe that things happen, and a reason/lesson can be found. Experiences shape our the past, present, and future selves. From every painful experience is a rewarding and empowering lesson or memory. Every positive experience gives us an ability to know how good life can truly be. I have decided to make a list of lessons I have learned. With no explanation, for that would take a book. But just some things I have learned. And I will add to this list each time I learn something valuable from life.

1) Do something for just yourself everyday
2) Enjoy what you have and never forget how lucky you are
3) Fall in lust
4) Fall in love
5) If you heart breaks, pick yourself back up, and grow from it
6) It wasn't a mistake if it once put a smile upon your face
7) Don't waste your time in a broken relationship or friendship, it's no use, MOVE ON
8) Learn how to be alone
9) Push your comfort zone
10) Let yourself be vulnerable
11) Try harder
12) Take naps
13) RELAX
14) Breath
15) Never forget who loves you, and that you are infact loved
16) Cry. Get mad. Laugh. Scream. Sing, don't be afraid of letting your emotion out.

Take what others give you........

Our time has come for us to part
but you'll always remain in my heart
we fell in love, we fell out
what we had was special without doubt
you made me melt
and you made me scream
most of all you made me love


Tyler Cleaver has been the most significant part of my life in the past year. We fell in love and fell out, then did it all over again. Though, I have cried and screamed, I also loved with everything I had. From my very core. We weren't meant to be in the end. But I know we'll have a bond, at least as friends for a very long time to come. I took something you gave me, something I have never had before. That is the ability to speak my mind, be honest, communicate clearly, and to express my emotions. To wear my heart on my sleeve. Before you, everything emotion that was painful I immediately placed in a bottle until that bottle popped. Not with you, and not anymore. Whether or not you'll ever know you gave me something concrete, something that I hope I can use forever. Though, it pains that we're a part I know it's for the best. I will always love you a friend. And I am pretty you'll always love me as friend.
Thank you.

Who Do I Want to Be?

Am I who I want to be? No not at all, not even close. I am about as far from being who'd I like to be as I possibly can. I'll tell you what I see myself as now. I am a reckless, apathetic, lazy, young lady afraid of reality, the truth. I hide everything. I make everything okay, all the time. I brush things off, I brush everything off and make problems disappear. In my mind, I am a magician. Truth is they don't go anywhere at all. They just get stashed in the back of my mind until they creep up on me and explode into a eruption of intense emotion. This is how I have dealt with things as long as I can remember. I have always prided myself as being a genuine person, truth is I don't think I am genuine at all. The more I look inside, the less I like I what I see. I don't know how to be to honest with myself, my emotions, and obviously other people. I am terrified of failure; and disappointing others which leads me to avoiding confronting people with my feeling, which leads to failure. How ironic, or not at all I suppose. I know people underestimate me, only because I give them reason too. I have amazing potential, and there are glimpses. I portray myself at this stable, honest, genuine, happy person, the person I would like to be. Not the person I am. People buy into it though and eat it up like candy. Too bad, the candy looks sweet but tastes sour.

In the end all I can do is my best. My best to be a better person, who makes better changes, and better choices. Baby steps. One step at a time I will change into the person people see me as. How ironic is that? I want to be what most people see. Practice makes perfect and I know just the right exercise.

So cheers to a night of experiencing the most overwhelming emotion I have felt in a long time. And cheers to a swift kick in my ass to open my eyes. Man oh man, mom I sure do wish you were here. You would have kicked my ass a loooooooooong time ago. Oh well Jill is learning.

nothing left to do but...

SMILE. SMILE. SMILE. I smile for no reason in particular, I smile because I can. And I think each day I am going to try to give myself a reason to smile, even if there seems like no reason to smile at all. Why do people need reason to feel happy? It's a choice to be happy, so why not make the choice to smile, laugh, and be happy every day. It's asking a lot I realize but life is what you make of it. So, why not make it into something that makes you happy? No ones life is perfect, and everyone faces adversities of various degrees. However, no matter how hard life may slap you in the face, it does in fact get better. Once the the lowest of lows is hit, there is only one direction to go from there. That direction is up.

5 years ago I was 18 and faced the most trying time of my life, thus far. When I was 18, I watched my mom go from being a perfectly healthy happy content woman, to a fragile delicate weak dying "old lady" in a matter of 11 months. It is something I wish upon no one. I was naive, insecure, depressed, anxious, worried, angry, and unhappy. If someone told me when I was 18, where I would be in five years, I would have laughed in their face in disbelief. But in five years I have grown into a independent woman with a zest for life, a college degree, a loving boyfriend, a sense of adventure, and the ability to always take that step forward. I am the happiest I have ever been with myself, and continue to mold myself into better person all the time.

I hold the key to my own happiness in my heart. And knowing all I know, I have the infinite ability to smile, always smile.

meat anyone?

After being unhappily unemployed for 2 months, I have a finally landed a job. Yes! And is the job of my dreams, that will lead me to a successful and happy life?! No, it's your local Safeway Grocery store. That's right, here I am a college graduate and now I slice meat. Lots, and lots of meat. I slice meat, sell meat, clean mean, oh yeah and cheese. Meat and cheese. Meat and cheese. I am Megan the deli girl. I know, I know you're jealous. Totally, I understand. I would be too. All kidding aside, it's a job. And in this economy a job is a job. Do I feel embarrassed? Yeah, I'll be to first to admit that feel a little embarrassed. But there's nothing wrong with. Ive come to find the employees of Safeway fascinating and diverse.

In my deli department, I work with quite the cast of characters. We have Nancy, the Deli manager. She's an older lady with crooked yellow teeth, that match her wiry yellow hair, and frail thin wrinkled wrists. She's a lot more intelligent then she appears. She's well spoken, and well surprising. Then we have Teri, Teri is another lady with a slight hunch in her back and a attitude! She's a fiesty snappy old lady, who know wants to mess with. There's Lisa, she's new too and I know more about then I know about anyone who I've known for less then two days. She's positive, and will chat your ear off. But she's a got a zest for life. Finally,there's David. David's an army boy who likes to call his girlfriend a "beaner" cause she's Mexican. I find that awfully romantic. Haha, okay maybe romantic isn't the right word. Whatever works. And there's me. A well educated girl, clueless about the food industry and meat slicers, who just needs some money.

But it is hard work, and I'll never judge anyone who works in the food industry again. It may not be something I look forward to everyday but I'll work hard and make some money. I can only hope this will bring me back down to earth, instead of feeling high and mighty. And I would like to personally thank my local Safeway for giving me a job, where none could be found.

Have a slice,

Megan

or something like it. ....

Here we go again. My heart is constantly fluttering, I can't get your smile, your touch, out of my mind. You turn me on, you make me smile, you support me, you're compassionate, understanding, you stand for what you believe in, and I just completely love you. Period.

Be okay..

I am a little a lost. The fog is dense and I cannot see clearly in front of me. And it's scary. In this dense, thick, and dark fog I find myself alone. Every once in a while as I am wondering aimlessly through, I find a hand to hold. But I cannot hold this hand forever, sometimes I have to let go. When I let go I feel this overwhelming sense of darkness and loneliness overcome me. However, I know the fog will lift and when it does the sun will shine upon me and once again it will kiss me. Whew, what a metaphor. But it's true.

I find myself in this town where I know only a few people, and am unemployed without a lot to do. During the day I try to fill my time, but days will pass when I have little to no social interaction. I am lucky for Tyler, but he is so busy I cannot rely on him all the time. It's hard, really hard. But it's also okay, something I am learning a lot from. Since I spend so much of my time alone I think a lot. I realize, I crave social interaction with people. I am used to close and many friendships. For the first time in my life, I am not busy, and without close friends. And it sucks. Period. It sucks. At least I realize this. And I know better than anyone that I hold the key to my own happiness, now all I need to do is something about it.

cheers.

Crossroads..

Here I find myself at the crossroad of anxious and fleeting. Not the best road to find myself at. I feel more anxious and the urge flee more so than usual. I am having a trying time attempting to figure out what it is exactly that I want. And to be honest, I have no idea. For the first time in my life I am terrified of the unknown. Never have I been this so afraid of the darkness before. But I find myself questioning just about everything one could question. I question love, life, sexuality, friendships, purpose, religion, and how exactly I fit into the grand scheme of things. As you can tell, it's too much for one to contemplate and overwhelming. I guess the real crossroad I face isn't the one of anxious and fleeting but rather the one of fleeting or staying. This in turn enhances my gad (generalized anxiety disorder).

Somedays are wonderful, I am in love, I know exactly what I want and how I fit. While other days I am anxious, annoyed, frustrated, and confused. My emotion seem to be very extreme lately and I cannot seem to find a medium, a sense of relaxation. I am not unhappy by any means, in fact I would say I am doing quite well, minus some anxiety issues. They just never seem to disappear. If it's not one thing it's another. Here a list of what has caused me great anxiety in the past: my sexuality, bee stings, fear of dying, and now my significant other. Like I said, there's no real pattern and I can never seem to have a simple state of mind. A mind of simply being with the moment. On occasion when I do have those days, oh it's soo wonderful.

Wow, that was quite a tangent of thoughts. But I needed to sort them out and haven't done so in too long. So here are my goals for self-improvement, success, and happiness in life. I am hoping if I achieve these goals, I can rid myself of anxiety.
1. Be impeccable with my words. Choose them wisely, with complete honesty, and intent.
2. Breathe. Everyday at least 5 times. Quiet my mind. Be with my breath.
3. Attend Yoga 2 to 3 times a week. No exceptions.
4. Clean my house and rid of my clutter.
5. Find a part-time job and send applications for seasonal work.
6. Schedule doctors appointments.
7. Make time for friends and Tyler. Too find a balance for both.
8. Wake up everyday before 9 with an agenda to follow.
9. Be true to thine self. Follow my heart, do what I WANT.
10. Travel this year, but not until I am completely ready emotionally and mentally.
11. Not necessarily to figure what I want forever, just to have a better idea.
12. To be healthy and take care of myself.
13. To allow myself to be happy.

Whew...thar she blow. So I have a lot of things to do this year to keep me busy. Now all I have to do, is to do it.